This quick guide highlights 10 common mistakes that parties make during a divorce proceeding and separation.
1. Entering Into Private Negotiations Without Your Lawyer's Knowledge or Consent
When calling to make arrangements to pick up the kids, its is easy for the conversation to venture off into the ongoing divorce proceeding. After all, the divorce is the elephant in the room. However, be careful about discussing any terms without the knowledge or consent of your counsel. You have hired your attorney to be your advocate. Don't feel pressured to agree to anything. If your goal is to remain cordial, just politely say, "we should just let our attorneys sort that out."2. Being Careless With Social Networking Sites and Other Online Activity
That picture of you partying it up and wasted may seam like a fun way to remember a great night out. However, it can come back to haunt you. Even your child's Facebook account may not be immune to scrutiny if custody is at issue. If a child is posted in pictures doing illegal drugs or drinking under age, the parent with whom the child resides may be considered unfit. Even if you have blocked your estranged spouse from being able to access your information, the two of you likely still have mutual friends. Understand the privacy settings of the social networking site. As a general rule, don't post or write anything that you wouldn't want shown to the judge in court.3. Entering Into an Agreement to Purchase or Sale Real Estate Without Consulting Your Attorney
After the separation, and while the divorce is pending, many people may be anxious for a fresh start. There is no better way to memorialize that fresh start than buying a new house. However, it is possible for your spouse to have rights in a property that is acquired during the marriage. However unlikely, you don't want to spend money defending such a claim. The same applies to the proceeds of a house you sale while separated. Be sure to consult with your attorney prior to the purchase or sale of real estate.
4. Not Using Your Lawyer as Your "Hired Insulator"
You are having a great day when all of a sudden, your estranged spouse calls you to give you a piece of his mind. You may feel obligated to stay on the phone and go word-for-word defending yourself. However, the correct reaction is to say "have your lawyer call my lawyer and they can work it out," and then hang up the phone. Use your attorney as your hired insulator and refrain from engaging in verbal battles with your estranged spouse.
5. Failing to Safe Guard Mail and Other Correspondence
Be certain that your estranged spouse does not have access to your mail. Especially mail from your attorney. If you can not adequately safeguard against this, you should get a PO Box and have your attorney send correspondence there. The same goes for email. I sometimes advise clients to get a new email address, that your spouse has no knowledge of, for the exclusive use of communicating with your attorney. Closely related is getting a new and separate cell phone account. You do not want your spouse to be able to call the cell phone company and succeed in getting your phone records because he or she is an authorized user on your cell phone account.
6. Being Worried About Winning
I will keep this one short. There is rarely a real "winner" during a divorce.
7. Trying to Win Mr./Ms. Congeniality at The Expense of Your Future
The cousin of #7 is the person who is so passive that they take the view of "they can have it all, I just want to move on." Divorces are highly emotional. You may feel so condemned by your estranged spouse that you want to prove that you are the good guy, and therefore commence to agree to your spouse's every request-- against the advice of your lawyer. Be careful about taking this approach. You will one day have a new family. That divorce will be a distant memory. While I don't believe that it is all about "winning," I do believe in doing as much as you can (within the boundaries of the law) to secure your future after the divorce. Your complaint will say John Doe VS Jane Doe. Your are not in the proceeding to prove that you are Mr./Ms. Congeniality.
8. Not Seeking the Advice of an Attorney
You are sure to find a "do it yourself" kit somewhere on the internet. I advise against this. In my personal opinion, doing your own divorce is like refusing to pay a doctor and doing your own heart surgery. Go ahead and spend the money now to prevent drama in the future. In addition, you wouldn't want to spend 10 times the money for another attorney to come along years from now to clean up the mess you made by using something you found on the internet. Your divorce is one of the most important/traumatic events in your life.
9. Parental Alienation and Using Kids for Revenge
You probably think that you are your child's favorite. Your child may even say as much, and speak about how evil your estranged spouse is. The truth is that your child loves both of you equally. It has been well documented in psychological studies that a child will often act two separate ways according to which parent they are with at the time. This is because the child loves both parents equally and wants to please both. The best thing you can do for your child is to speak positivity over your estranged spouse. Imagine how stressful it is to hang out with someone who hates your mom or dad. Now imagine how stressful it would be for a 4 year old. No matter how hard it is, put your child first and speak good about your estranged/ex-spouse while in the presence of your child.
10. Not Being Complete, Open, and Honest With Your Attorney
Tell your attorney everything. Even if you think it will make you look bad. You have to assist your attorney in order to maximize the benefit that your attorney can give you. Please know that the information you are withholding is being provided to the opposing counsel by your estranged spouse, and you will have to deal with it sooner or later. You should feel comfortable enough with your attorney to be complete, open and honest.
